Reasons for Denying Difference Number Six: The You-just-need-to-get-laid Charge

Openly admit that women and men feel quite differently about sex, and sooner or later some one will say, "You just need to get laid."

The accusation (and it is an accusation, though often veiled by the lightest tones) is similar to one I discussed in my last post, The Fear of Being thought a "Prude," a "Victorian," a "Puritan," or a "Hypocrite", but with an even nastier edge, as it suggests the accused is not only in denial about sex, but has failed to obtain sex or, if he is a man, unable to obtain it. 

Telling a woman she just needs to get laid is not quite so harsh.  (The position of men and women here, as in so many situations, is different, which is one of the many reasons why I'm defending difference).  Though it is a fact often denied, along with so many other differences between women and men, a woman can get laid relatively easily. She may not be able to have sex with a movie star she likes, or even the most desirable men she knows personally, but she can usually find a partner for sex--if all she really wants is sex. She can even charge for the sex--if all she wants is sex (but that's the subject of another post).  Of course finding a sex partner willl be easier for a young woman or a good looking woman or a charming woman, but the fact is even an ugly, old woman with no charm whatsoever can have sex with men whenever she likes--if all she really wants is sex.

The catch, of course, is that a woman wants something more than just sex. 

And so when a woman is told "you just need to get laid," there is something humorous and even gentle about it. The implication is that she just hasn't gotten around to doing what she needs to do, but she can whenever she chooses, and this, at least, is true: she can. She just doesn't want to without the prospect of love and commitment. Still, being reminded of her sexual power, even though she chooses not to take advantage of that power, is not unpleasant.

Telling a man he just needs to get laid is quite different. The implication that a man can get laid whenever he chooses often simply is not true. For men who are not in a sexual relationship, getting laid usually takes time, money, status or power (see my post on women's attraction to power and prestige). Some scheming is often necessary too.  For a man, getting laid requires, above all, a belief on the woman's part that there is at least the possibility of finding  love and commitment with him.

This is why men pay good money for prostitutes (and, increasingly, risk exposure and humiliation when they are caught doing so). This is why men fly to Thailand. This is why, far more commonly, men go through the ritual of dating when they have no interest in a serious relationship: it's a lot of trouble and money, and, worse, it's dishonest, but it's a way of getting sex. 

All of this to say, for many men, getting laid isn't so easy, but when we tell a man (usually in a false casual tone), "You just need to get laid," the implication is that yes, it is.

It's a lie, and like so many of reasons the differences between women and men are being denied, it adds to the widening chasm between what we claim to be our sexual reality and what it actually is. It creates deception, with women and men both.

The lie suggests to women that men have it easier than they do, leaving them unprepared for encounters with what can be an urgent, even violent, need in men.

The lie suggests to men that they are failures when they are merely ordinary, and because this supposed failure is sexual, the suggestion can be devastating, especially for the young. 

The brutal old practice of taking a young man to a whorehouse would be more honest, and even more effective, by comparison.

Reason for Denying Difference Number Five: the Fear of Being Thought "Victorian," a "Puritan," a "Prude," or a "Hypocrite."

The words "Victorian," "Puritan," "hypocrite," and "prude" are thrown around pretty carelessly these days.

I won't try to explain how the Victorians were far more sexually sophisticated than they are generally given credit for.

Nor will I go into how in a culture that denies its own sense of sexual propriety, as ours does, the so-called "prudes" may be the ones facing our sexual reality.

There would be no point in going into all of that, because the standard definitions of each of these words are being set aside. They are used instead as blunt accusations, much like "Fascist" is used by left-wing people or "Commie" used to be used by the right. Little if any regard is being given to the actual meanings of these words. 

"Victorian," "Puritan," "hypocrite," and "prude," are just ugly names to call  non-believers. 

Though each word still often carries a vague connotation, they are used synonymously. Roughly, they are taken to mean: you know that women and men feel the same about sex but won't admit it because you're too weak or squeamish or ridiculous. You are in denial, et cetera. 

Like all name-calling, the use of these words reveals more about the accuser than the accused.
 
The accusers want to believe in the illusion of sameness even if (especially if) their day-to-day lives prove that it is false. They know how fragile their illusion is. They know that with even casual examination, the illusion may fall apart. 

If they dismiss doubters by calling them "Victorian," "Puritan," "hypocrite," or "prude," they protect their faith.

Those who acknowledge that women and men are different generally have the sense to be wary of   fanaticism. They know better than to attempt to argue with people who are determined to believe.  And so they keep their mouths shut. The myth of sameness goes on unquestioned and growing in popularity.

Reason for Denying Difference Number Four: Male Vanity

Male vanity is one of most obvious reasons why some people, usually men, deny that women and men feel differently about sex

To put  it simply, it is flattering for a man to imagine that women lust after him just as he lusts after women.

Or, to put it another way, it is humbling for a man to admit that what women feel for him is quite different from what he feels for them.

Male vanity, like The Entertainer's Temptation, is one of the oldest reasons in the book for denying the differences between women's and men's feelings about sex.  Also like The Entertainer's Temptation, it was once relatively harmless tendency, often humorous, forming the basis for many dirty jokes. But today, when combined with so many other reasons for denying difference, it does cause harm. See my post Why Acknowledging Difference Matters for further  explanation.   

This form of denial is particularly harmful when young men (and often not-so-young men) brag to each other about their supposed success with women--usually in the guise of the most casual conversation, of course.  Again, this kind of thing is as old as the hills, but back when the differences between women's and men's feelings about sex were more widely accepted, it was far easier to recognize boasting as boasting.

Today, with so many people denying difference for so many different reasons, silly Don Juan stories can seem very real, even when they are exaggerated or altogether false.  The rejections, snubs, disapproval, and downright indifference that men must face when searching for a mate is hard enough already.  We make it that much harder by giving credence to stories that were once rightly confined to boys' night out.     

Reason for Denying Difference Number Three: The Virtuous Ones

Devoutly religious people, as well as other morally upstanding folk, are often among those who insist most adamantly that women's feelings and attitudes about sex are much the same as men's. The reason is simply that the myth of sameness makes it easy to appear, and even feel, virtuous.

The man who believes that the world is full of women who want to have no-strings-attached sex with him can appear virtuous for resisting this temptation. It's easy since this temptation never actually exists.

This "virtuous" man's wife can pretend that her husband's resistance to sexual temptation reveals the strength of his love and devotion to her, when neither has actually been tested.
 
The woman who manages to convince herself that her sexual desires are much like a man's can congratulate herself for the moral willpower required to suppress these urges, when in fact she has never experienced anything remotely like male lust.

The wife who cheats on her husband can make the wrong appear less serious if she tells herself that it was only lust. The truth is she has acted as she has for different and far more important reasons. 

These and similar delusions depend on the myth that women's and men's feelings about sex are the same. The moment we admit that women's and men's desires are quite different, this illusion of sexual virtue falls apart, and being good suddenly become much, much more difficult.

Reasons for Denying Difference Number Two: The Fear of Appearing Naive

In yesterday's post, "The Entertainer's Temptation," I wrote about how artists, especially storytellers, often portray women who behave like men because such depictions have an inherent entertainment value: they provide an escape from everyday life where women behave quite differently.

Today I will focus on another reason for denying difference, the fear of appearing naive.

To put it simply, anyone who dares to admit that women feel and think differently about sex than men do puts himself in danger of being accused of naivete.

In our television shows, our films, and our novels, anyone who believes that women tend to want love and commitment with their sex--that is, anyone who admits the truth of sexual difference--is portrayed as an innocent, or a fool.

The reality of our daily lives is different. Most of us know there is a very big difference between the way women and men feel when it comes to sex, and our actions are determined by this knowledge.

Women are on their guard against men who are after "one thing."  And though many men would be happy (not to mentioned flattered) to encounter a woman who wants no-strings-attached sex, these men keep generally keep this fantasy a secret, or admit it only in a joking way, to avoid giving offense, and especially to avoid being thought of as pigs.

In the same way men are on their guard against women who want commitment.

This is the sexual reality we in.

Today's  popular fantasy of sexual sophistication requires everyone to deny this reality and pretend that women and men feel the same. Anyone who admits the truth of difference threatens to undermine the fantasy. The most effective way to eliminate this threat is to accuse him or her of being a fool or, more generously, too innocent to know the ways of the world.

 We live in a culture that rewards naivete as sophistication and denounces knowledge as innocence. Anyone with sense enough to recognize the sham is compelled to keep his or her mouth shut.

Reason for Denying Difference Number One: The Entertainer's Temptation

This is  the beginning of a series of posts on the reasons why so many people today are denying the differences between women and men.

I'll start with what I call "The Entertainer's Temptation."
 
An artist, whether a film maker or a novelist or just an ordinary person telling a story, must express a truth, but he must also entertain or else no one will pay any attention to that truth.

Ideally, truth and entertainment are one and the same, but usually this is not the case.  A film or novel that truly depicts how ordinary women and men behave can be very dull. And so the artist creates extraordinary men and women for his characters.

Ideally, these exceptional people will illuminate some truth about our ordinary selves, but often we learn nothing from them. Often the artist resorts to the extraordinary not to shed light, but simply because the extraordinary can be entertaining.  If nothing else, it provides relief to a humdrum reality.

This is especially true when it comes to the sexual desires and behavior of women.  Show the audience a woman who approaches men she hardly knows, who initiates sex with them, who is wild in bed, and who expects no commitment or anything else in return--in short, show a woman who seems to feel the way most men do about sex--and she is instantly, highly extraordinary. 

Such depictions of women have entertained audiences for centuries.  They have long since become dull cliches. Today these depictions continue (and multiply) for very different reasons (the subject of future posts) but originally these depictions provided a simple escape from a reality of difference that could be (and still often is) oppressive.
   

  Out of all of the reasons for denying the differences between women and men, this desire to entertain people weary of that difference is one I sympathize with most. That said, I suspect such entertainments, though harmless enough in themselves, provided the center of the giant snowball of denial that we have to today. 

More on Women's Attraction to Male Power and Prestige

In my last post I pointed out an important difference between men and women: while men have a tendency to be attracted to a woman for her looks, women are more often attracted to men for their power, status, or prestige.

The statement about men needs no explanation. There are of course many exceptions. Some of them I would like to talk about. They will be subjects for future posts.

Today I will focus on the women's attraction to male power. I want to make this point clear. By "power" or "status" I do not mean just economic, political, or physical power--though those obvious kinds of power can help a man to succeed in finding sexual partners.  There are many, many sorts of male power that attract women.

In certain situations, a drug dealer has power. In others, a guy in a successful rock band gets the attention. There are men who achieve a kind of status through being a clown or "cool." Even being a certain type loner or underdog can suggest power.

There are women who will brag about how they are attracted to "nerds," usually meaning "computer geeks."   It's not surprising. Computers play an important part in all of our lives, and those "geeks" make a lot of money.  Nerds have power too, and power attracts women.   
 
When I was first starting out as a writer I had to take low-paying, part-time jobs to make ends meet. I was a file clerk. I was an office boy. I was a lone male receptionist surrounded by female receptionists--all of whom despised me because I was only a receptionist.   I even delivered pizza at one point.  When I was working such jobs, I was beneath women's notice.

If I took a teaching job, suddenly I became visible.  If I went to a writer's conference, especially if it was somewhat exclusive, women even found me desirable.  But as soon as I returned to another temp office job I became the invisible man again.

In this way I came to understand that my desirability as a man was directly related to my position in a given sphere. I came to see that unless I had a certain status, I was nothing as far women were concerned.

Men who have never been through that--men who find a place for themselves and keep it--have a hard time understanding just how important their position is. Most women refuse to believe this fact of male existence at all.

Women have a hard time imagining this because their own sexual worth (as well as other sorts of worth) is more constant. Whether a woman works as a business executive or a maid in a hotel, men will find her attractive, if she is attractive in any way at all. 

 One of the biggest differences between women and men is that women have a sexual power that men simply do not.  This sexual power is extremely important, but it is being denied. 

  Why? This will be the subject of future posts.