Reasons for Denying Difference Number Six: The You-just-need-to-get-laid Charge

Openly admit that women and men feel quite differently about sex, and sooner or later some one will say, "You just need to get laid."

The accusation (and it is an accusation, though often veiled by the lightest tones) is similar to one I discussed in my last post, The Fear of Being thought a "Prude," a "Victorian," a "Puritan," or a "Hypocrite", but with an even nastier edge, as it suggests the accused is not only in denial about sex, but has failed to obtain sex or, if he is a man, unable to obtain it. 

Telling a woman she just needs to get laid is not quite so harsh.  (The position of men and women here, as in so many situations, is different, which is one of the many reasons why I'm defending difference).  Though it is a fact often denied, along with so many other differences between women and men, a woman can get laid relatively easily. She may not be able to have sex with a movie star she likes, or even the most desirable men she knows personally, but she can usually find a partner for sex--if all she really wants is sex. She can even charge for the sex--if all she wants is sex (but that's the subject of another post).  Of course finding a sex partner willl be easier for a young woman or a good looking woman or a charming woman, but the fact is even an ugly, old woman with no charm whatsoever can have sex with men whenever she likes--if all she really wants is sex.

The catch, of course, is that a woman wants something more than just sex. 

And so when a woman is told "you just need to get laid," there is something humorous and even gentle about it. The implication is that she just hasn't gotten around to doing what she needs to do, but she can whenever she chooses, and this, at least, is true: she can. She just doesn't want to without the prospect of love and commitment. Still, being reminded of her sexual power, even though she chooses not to take advantage of that power, is not unpleasant.

Telling a man he just needs to get laid is quite different. The implication that a man can get laid whenever he chooses often simply is not true. For men who are not in a sexual relationship, getting laid usually takes time, money, status or power (see my post on women's attraction to power and prestige). Some scheming is often necessary too.  For a man, getting laid requires, above all, a belief on the woman's part that there is at least the possibility of finding  love and commitment with him.

This is why men pay good money for prostitutes (and, increasingly, risk exposure and humiliation when they are caught doing so). This is why men fly to Thailand. This is why, far more commonly, men go through the ritual of dating when they have no interest in a serious relationship: it's a lot of trouble and money, and, worse, it's dishonest, but it's a way of getting sex. 

All of this to say, for many men, getting laid isn't so easy, but when we tell a man (usually in a false casual tone), "You just need to get laid," the implication is that yes, it is.

It's a lie, and like so many of reasons the differences between women and men are being denied, it adds to the widening chasm between what we claim to be our sexual reality and what it actually is. It creates deception, with women and men both.

The lie suggests to women that men have it easier than they do, leaving them unprepared for encounters with what can be an urgent, even violent, need in men.

The lie suggests to men that they are failures when they are merely ordinary, and because this supposed failure is sexual, the suggestion can be devastating, especially for the young. 

The brutal old practice of taking a young man to a whorehouse would be more honest, and even more effective, by comparison.

More on Women's Attraction to Male Power and Prestige

In my last post I pointed out an important difference between men and women: while men have a tendency to be attracted to a woman for her looks, women are more often attracted to men for their power, status, or prestige.

The statement about men needs no explanation. There are of course many exceptions. Some of them I would like to talk about. They will be subjects for future posts.

Today I will focus on the women's attraction to male power. I want to make this point clear. By "power" or "status" I do not mean just economic, political, or physical power--though those obvious kinds of power can help a man to succeed in finding sexual partners.  There are many, many sorts of male power that attract women.

In certain situations, a drug dealer has power. In others, a guy in a successful rock band gets the attention. There are men who achieve a kind of status through being a clown or "cool." Even being a certain type loner or underdog can suggest power.

There are women who will brag about how they are attracted to "nerds," usually meaning "computer geeks."   It's not surprising. Computers play an important part in all of our lives, and those "geeks" make a lot of money.  Nerds have power too, and power attracts women.   
 
When I was first starting out as a writer I had to take low-paying, part-time jobs to make ends meet. I was a file clerk. I was an office boy. I was a lone male receptionist surrounded by female receptionists--all of whom despised me because I was only a receptionist.   I even delivered pizza at one point.  When I was working such jobs, I was beneath women's notice.

If I took a teaching job, suddenly I became visible.  If I went to a writer's conference, especially if it was somewhat exclusive, women even found me desirable.  But as soon as I returned to another temp office job I became the invisible man again.

In this way I came to understand that my desirability as a man was directly related to my position in a given sphere. I came to see that unless I had a certain status, I was nothing as far women were concerned.

Men who have never been through that--men who find a place for themselves and keep it--have a hard time understanding just how important their position is. Most women refuse to believe this fact of male existence at all.

Women have a hard time imagining this because their own sexual worth (as well as other sorts of worth) is more constant. Whether a woman works as a business executive or a maid in a hotel, men will find her attractive, if she is attractive in any way at all. 

 One of the biggest differences between women and men is that women have a sexual power that men simply do not.  This sexual power is extremely important, but it is being denied. 

  Why? This will be the subject of future posts.

Stating the Obvious: Men Want Sex, Women Want Love

Women and men are different--different in their desires, their needs, their way of seeing, their expectations of others and themselves.  I'm stating the obvious, but we're living in a culture that denies difference and embraces a myth of sameness, and so stating the obvious, unfortunately,  has become necessary.

One of the most important of these differences is that men want sex, women want love.

I am not saying that men never want love. (Of course we want love.) Nor am I saying the women do not want sex. (They do want sex, thank God.)

What I AM saying is that most men want sex in a way that women have a hard time imagining. We want more of it, with as many different partners as possible, in as many different ways as possible. 

Women, on the other hand, want love that (usually) includes a certain amount of sex.

Already I can hear the protests:

"But that's stereotypical thinking."

"What a cliche!"

"You are so naive."

"Obviously you need to get laid."

And so on.

Yet most men know what I have just said is true. They may not admit it's true, to avoid the accusations I have just listed, along with many others, but they know.

Most women refuse to admit this difference even to themselves. Oh, they know deep down that  the difference is real. They must deal with that difference if they live with men at all. (Though many women, confronted with this difference, choose not to live with men at all).   On some level, women know. They just don't want to hear it.

And under ordinary circumstances I would not ask women to hear it.  To point out this sort of difference is, after all, rude.

But we are not living under ordinary circumstances.  We are are living in an age of denial.

Why do so many deny this difference exists? Why do they insist on a make-believe sameness?

There are many reasons. I will talk about them in future posts.