Reasons for Denying Difference Number Six: The You-just-need-to-get-laid Charge

Openly admit that women and men feel quite differently about sex, and sooner or later some one will say, "You just need to get laid."

The accusation (and it is an accusation, though often veiled by the lightest tones) is similar to one I discussed in my last post, The Fear of Being thought a "Prude," a "Victorian," a "Puritan," or a "Hypocrite", but with an even nastier edge, as it suggests the accused is not only in denial about sex, but has failed to obtain sex or, if he is a man, unable to obtain it. 

Telling a woman she just needs to get laid is not quite so harsh.  (The position of men and women here, as in so many situations, is different, which is one of the many reasons why I'm defending difference).  Though it is a fact often denied, along with so many other differences between women and men, a woman can get laid relatively easily. She may not be able to have sex with a movie star she likes, or even the most desirable men she knows personally, but she can usually find a partner for sex--if all she really wants is sex. She can even charge for the sex--if all she wants is sex (but that's the subject of another post).  Of course finding a sex partner willl be easier for a young woman or a good looking woman or a charming woman, but the fact is even an ugly, old woman with no charm whatsoever can have sex with men whenever she likes--if all she really wants is sex.

The catch, of course, is that a woman wants something more than just sex. 

And so when a woman is told "you just need to get laid," there is something humorous and even gentle about it. The implication is that she just hasn't gotten around to doing what she needs to do, but she can whenever she chooses, and this, at least, is true: she can. She just doesn't want to without the prospect of love and commitment. Still, being reminded of her sexual power, even though she chooses not to take advantage of that power, is not unpleasant.

Telling a man he just needs to get laid is quite different. The implication that a man can get laid whenever he chooses often simply is not true. For men who are not in a sexual relationship, getting laid usually takes time, money, status or power (see my post on women's attraction to power and prestige). Some scheming is often necessary too.  For a man, getting laid requires, above all, a belief on the woman's part that there is at least the possibility of finding  love and commitment with him.

This is why men pay good money for prostitutes (and, increasingly, risk exposure and humiliation when they are caught doing so). This is why men fly to Thailand. This is why, far more commonly, men go through the ritual of dating when they have no interest in a serious relationship: it's a lot of trouble and money, and, worse, it's dishonest, but it's a way of getting sex. 

All of this to say, for many men, getting laid isn't so easy, but when we tell a man (usually in a false casual tone), "You just need to get laid," the implication is that yes, it is.

It's a lie, and like so many of reasons the differences between women and men are being denied, it adds to the widening chasm between what we claim to be our sexual reality and what it actually is. It creates deception, with women and men both.

The lie suggests to women that men have it easier than they do, leaving them unprepared for encounters with what can be an urgent, even violent, need in men.

The lie suggests to men that they are failures when they are merely ordinary, and because this supposed failure is sexual, the suggestion can be devastating, especially for the young. 

The brutal old practice of taking a young man to a whorehouse would be more honest, and even more effective, by comparison.

How Denying Difference Leads to Misguided Ideals of What Women & Men Should Be

Reading over my last post I found a doozy of a line:

"I see people holding the opposite sex to impossible standards. The idea of what a woman should be or a man should be becomes increasingly narrow. It is as though the fixation on the false idea of sameness has resulted in mass blindness, preventing people from recognizing the beauty in real women and men."


 What do I mean?


If we acknowledge that women and men feel differently, we can evaluate those differences. We can see that men really do have a tendency, say,  to judge women too much by their appearances alone. We can see that women really do tend, say,  to judge men by their status or power.


Once we recognize such a tendency, we can be on our guard against it.

In some ways I am lucky to be a man in culture so willing to criticize men. I am rarely allowed to forget the male tendency to fall for a younger woman, a woman with a good body, or just a pretty face. Whenever I feel attracted to a woman with any of these qualities I stop and ask myself, "Am I being 'typically male'?" Usually the answer is "yes." I'm on my guard. I think a little before acting and I'm better off for it.


Women in this regard aren't so lucky.  Because we live a culture where anyone who criticizes women is immediately labeled a "misogynist," most people wisely keep their mouths shut, even when criticism is due.   If more people just came out and said it, "Yes, a lot of women do have a tendency to go for men with power or status," maybe more women would stop and ask themselves, "Do I really like this guy? Or am I just drawn to him he's lead singer in the band?"
 
But fewer and fewer people are willing to admit that a lot of women have this problem. Instead, they retreat to the myth of sameness. They insist that women are attracted to a handsome face just as much as men are attracted to pretty one, that women are attracted to a sexy body just as much as men are, and even that men are attracted to status or power or success in a woman the same way women are attracted to such qualities in  men.

Pretend long enough that a problem doesn't exist, and a lot of people will believe it doesn't.

We end up with what we have today: many women who will not consider a man unless he has certain social or economic standing, a certain kind of power or status. When they cannot find a man with these qualities, they say, "All the good ones are married or gay," or they chalk it up to bad luck. It never occurs to them that they should reexamine their own standards and tastes because no one dares to question those standards and tastes anymore.


I'm not saying that men don't have their problems too. There are still plenty of guys out there who really want (or think they want) any woman with big breasts (real or not) and blonde hair (real or not). But we at least force such men to realize that they are being shallow and that they deserve the sort of women they wind up with.

Why Acknowledging Difference Matters

In my first post I said that the current, widespread denial of difference was making a lot of people miserable.

Strong words.  Does it really matter so much that so many people are pretending that women and men feel, think, and see the world alike?

In a word, Yes.

For one thing, the myth of sameness leaves young women unprepared for the reality of men. If a teenage girl starts dating actually believing that the boys she's going out with feel the same way she does about sex, she's going to be in for a rude awakening. Possibly she could be headed for real trouble.

And it's not fair to young men either. Imagine a teenage boy who's been brought up to actually believe that  woman will often make the first move, initiate sex, and expect no real commitment from him. That's going to be one disappointed boy. He's going think something must be the matter with him.

"But why aren't women coming up to me and leading me by the hand into their bedrooms the way they do on TV?" he'll ask himself. "Am I hideous? Does my breath stink? Am I saying something wrong?"

It's easy to laugh. But such disappointment can cause real pain to young men, especially when everyone around them keeps insisting that women feel basically the same as they do.

And young people aren't the only ones hurt by a lie.  I meet many adults who believe or claim to believe in the myth of sameness. 

I see women who hate men because they refuse to believe that men feel differently than they do about sex. 

I run into men who are full of hatred towards women because they refuse to accept that women want love and commitment.. As men, they can't get away with complaining the way women can, but inside they're seething.

Even more often I see people holding the opposite sex to impossible standards. The idea of what a woman should be or a man should be becomes increasingly narrow. It is as though the fixation on the false idea of sameness has resulted in mass blindness, preventing people from recognizing the beauty in real women and men. 

So yes, acknowledging difference between the feelings of women and men does matter. The lie of sameness is causing a great deal of pain.